you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
