you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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