I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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