no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize