all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
