I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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