I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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