i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
