Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
