"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
