you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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