It's Friday. Sex?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
