The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
