Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
