i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
