my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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