My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
