So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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