a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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