just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
soo... how was my night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
There's even glitter on my cock...
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