I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
