I feel great
I just peed on a car
you would pick up someone in the library
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I AM VODKA MAN
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
