i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
