at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
