So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
