false alarm. still invincible.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
