so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
