my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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