I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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