Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
