please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We had to coat check the pizza.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize