There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
