How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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