if you like me you must not know who I am
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
