If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize