i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
