Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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