The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
