ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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