you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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