i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
