Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
