I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
