How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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