You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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