my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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