How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
