Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize