Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
