you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
