After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize