It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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