also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
