theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
