Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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