one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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