i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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