you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize