Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
